I've been sitting on this post for a while, reading and rereading and tweaking what I wanted to say.
A couple weeks ago, I had a pretty bad case of self-doubt in terms of my writing.
I came from my writers' critique group feeling defeated on the Saturday. I tried to write, and hated everything I came up with.
Then on the Monday, I saw a new review up for The Girl with the Empty Suitcase on Amazon. It was three stars, so not bad, and it talked about the emotion evident, how it was clearly a debut novel; all of that I was fine with. But then there was a phrase that bothered me: mediocre writing.
I know I'm not an amazing writer. I know that. I know I'm just starting, that I'm working and improving, that my second or third book will (hopefully!) be better than my first.
But there was something that bothered me about that phrasing. It wasn't the review itself; the individual even said he/she would read my next book.
It was the phrase "mediocre writing".
It was this happening when I was already doubting my writing, my new book, when I was already frustrated with my ability.
I can improve on some editing. I can improve on, say, plot pacing or character development or dialogue.
But "mediocre writing". I don't know how to improve on that.
Practice, I suppose. Which means not giving up.
But that day I sure felt like it. I had written my book. I held it in my hands. A few people have even read it. That was all I wanted; all I've ever wanted.
So what the hell was I doing, trying again? Doing this more? Opening myself up in that way again?
The feeling passed.
My husband read the review and reassured me. I went to the gym that same day, and my trainer put together a workout guaranteed to have me get out some aggression and frustration. And then, that same week, I was stopped three times in the grocery store by people to tell me they'd loved my book, or they were waiting for the next, or they wanted to know where to get it.
So, I tried to ignore that review. I entered a couple short contests (one of which was the short story contest for which I wrote "Christopher", which was featured in my last newsletter). I reminded myself that it was okay to not be good at this. Yet. It was okay to still be learning, to have people not like my book, or just think it was "okay" and "mediocre", even.
Not everyone is going to "get" what I write. Just like I don't like everyone's work. And, you know what? Maybe my writing IS just mediocre.
But you know what DOESN'T help it get better?
Quitting.
Getting frustrated.
Feeling defeated.
Immediately after my release of The Girl with the Empty Suitcase, I wrote about getting bad reviews. You can read that here. But you know what? I'm just whining. I actually don't have many bad reviews. Response has, overall, been positive. Quite positive.
And I really enjoy writing. I love it, actually.
So what the hell am I doing, worrying about two words? What the hell am I doing, worrying and doubting and wondering if I should throw away the whole beginning of this second book? Why am I letting a few opinions dim the opinions of so many other positive ones?
My self-doubt is still there. It will likely always be there.
I hope it always is.
There is something terribly vulnerable about creating something and throwing it out in the world to breathe and exist on its own.
Something vulnerable and powerful.
And I did that.
And I am still doing that.
So yeah, the self-doubt can stay. It makes me consider opinions and listen to others - positive and negative. It makes me want to improve. It makes me work and grow. It reminds me that I care about this crazy thing I'm trying to do, that it's personal and important to me. That it matters.
Last night I wrote a couple chapters. I didn't hate them. Moreover, I reread what I wrote earlier. The stuff I hated.
I didn't hate it anymore either.
I guess sitting down and putting words where only a blank page was before... I guess I can keep doing it.
And then I'll keep getting better.
When do you have your biggest "self-doubt" days? Any pieces of advice to help me work through it on those days?
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