I've disappeared for a few months.
A few unprecedented months.
Not just for me, but for the whole world.
What follows is a bit of a "brain dump". Time has slipped by in these extraordinary times, and a lot of people have a lot of thoughts.
This is my current reality.
The first weekend of March, all of the kids and significant others in my family went on a "sibling ski trip". They rode chair lifts together. We went swimming. That Sunday we crowded around a small table at a busy diner to have brunch before heading on our separate ways.
That Monday, I went to work. I left for a regular appointment where I thought nothing of sitting in a waiting room. I stood in busy classrooms and leaned down beside kids to help answer questions. I high-fived students. I laughed with my student teacher and handed back papers and books.
That Tuesday, that Wednesday, I was at a workshop in a nearby city. It was a crowded centre, and I sat at a big round table with a group of my coworkers. I distinctly remember leaning in to whisper to a coworker during one of the presentations. I caught up with an old friend for dinner. I stayed in a hotel room.
The Thursday passed fairly uneventfully at the school, but by that evening the news was getting more distressing and closer to home. My husband and I, who had a trip booked for April to California, started wondering about traveling internationally.
By Friday afternoon, I was setting up online communication for my students and recommending they bring home all their books.
We cancelled our weekend plans and stayed home.
Sunday night I was having a bath when my husband knocked on the door to tell me about the newest announcement: in-person classes were cancelled for the foreseeable future.
The next day, we both went to work. He packed up his office to work from home. Again, for the foreseeable future. I sat in meetings as we tried to figure out what teaching looked like in this new, unknown world.
By that Thursday, my classroom was pretty empty, my schoolbooks were packed, and I was setting up a new workspace at our dining room table.
In less than a week, our world shifted, tilted completed on its side, and I've been in this crazy conflict between sitting so still and running to catch up ever since.
I think the whole world has.
We have been lucky. Neither of us have gotten sick; we have been able to continue working safely from home. As two introverts, the emotional and mental toll has been alright. Most importantly, we truly enjoy being around one another, and we enjoy living and working in the same place.
Because our area was under restrictions, but not put into a complete shelter-in-place, we have been able to continue supporting our local community and businesses. Restaurants, for example, which have had to close their dining rooms, have been doing take-out; I think we've ordered from restaurants more in the past two months than we did in the two years previous! We're trying to support our local community as best we can, since so many here are struggling.
Has it all been sunshine and rainbows?
Of course not.
There have been difficulties. Frustrations. Worries about things beyond our control.
In terms of me, personally, I have had trouble being productive in any way that is not school-related. The shift to online learning has been challenging, but I truly am impressed by my coworkers and students trying to adapt.
But the biggest problem with me isn't boredom or feeling overwhelmed or even the unknown...
I've been struggling a bit with a feeling of guilt. I've done some reading, but it feels like not enough for this time tailor-made for reading. I've done some writing, but it feels like not enough, since I haven't finished - or even made some significant contributions to - my newest novel. I've done some cleaning and organizing, but right now the laundry is piling up and the house needs vacuuming. I've completed some fun craft projects, but others are lying untouched. I haven't watched all the fantastic Broadway shows now available or even cleared through my Netflix list.
I feel guilty when I'm thankful for the time this has given me to deal with some personal stuff, knowing how horrible this same time has been for so many others.
So, though all this, I've decided to give myself grace. I've allowed myself to watch "junk TV" (looking at you, Tiger King!). I've allowed myself to stay up late watching Gilmore Girls (and yes, tearing up a bit). I've allowed myself to enjoy the crafting I've done, and not feel too badly when the laundry stacks up a bit.
It will get done.
I will get my book written. I will get other books read. There is no rush to clean the house, no rush to finish those projects. They will be there next week, the week after.
So much of the world before this was caught in a tangled web of deadlines and rushing and competition over who is busier than whoever else.
Perhaps that's the source of the guilt.
And perhaps, while this is a challenging time for the world, perhaps the time before this wasn't so perfect either.
The world has been through challenging times before. Humanity has made it through by, well, being humane. Bad things have happened to good people, but bad things have been lessened by good actions. The small acts of kindness I've seen again and again, of people coping, of helping one another, have impressed me, warmed me, and have made such a difference.
So, I am giving myself grace. I am enjoying the positive things about this new reality - slowing down, time with my husband and pets, this pause button pushed on the world. I am focusing on doing what I can, helping how I can, coping myself as I can. And I am finding joy in the moments of adaptation, of making the best of the situation. And the times when I worry, or get frustrated, or am completely unmotivated, I am allowing that, too.
I am trying to keep some perspective.
I am reminding myself that this is all temporary and perhaps, just perhaps, at the end of this, we will take some of our new patience, awareness, understanding, kindness, and perspective back into the wide world.
How are you coping with the realities of this world? I'm coping relatively well; but I know how fortunate I've been. What are your struggles, your successes, your perspectives? Your own "brain dump"?
Now that I've started reading more, and writing more, I hope to update the blog more as well. On my list is a new list! Books to read during this lockdown... If you have any recommendations, please send them my way!
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